© Chuck Duboff
The dark nights are horrid. Alone, wrapped in a blanket, thoughts bombarding my soul. I lie there attempting to make sense my life. I think about Mom & Dad and get so fuckin angry. I think about all the money I’ve lost, all the money I’ve wasted…I hear screams in my head. My body is tense, my body is tense, my body is tense!!! I toss, I turn, I change pillows, I whip the blanket off of me and then return it as i feel chills.
I touch myself, I rub my breasts…and feel disgusting. Sex, any sex, is revolting. Yet, I touch myself some more, trying to numb the pain. I stop yet again and get out of bed. It’s dark and I hold on to the walls; i kick my freakin toe into the corner of the bed and let out a scream. Nights are hell.
I lie down in the living room hoping to find some peace, some quiet, a quieting of my run away brain. Nothing changes. I think about that last guy I scammed. What was it about him? Why did I let my guard down? Was I subconsciously looking for something more? Was I looking for a greater rush? I get up and navigate my way back to bed.
I lie there…the screaming in my head won’t stop!!! “you’re such a loser Jackie” “you’ll never amount to anything Martha!” “Why do you hate me Dad?” “I’m going to get back at all those guys!! They’re all a bunch of scums, a bunch of pigs!!”
The nights are horrid!!