Martha…Part 7; Martha’s night terrors; by Chuck Duboff

© Chuck Duboff

Mart

The dark nights are horrid.  Alone, wrapped in a blanket, thoughts bombarding my soul.  I lie there attempting to make sense my life.  I think about Mom & Dad and get so fuckin angry.  I think about all the money I’ve lost, all the money I’ve wasted…I hear screams in my head.  My body is tense, my body is tense, my body is tense!!!  I toss, I turn, I change pillows, I whip the blanket off of me and then return it as i feel chills.

I touch myself, I rub my breasts…and feel disgusting.  Sex, any sex, is revolting.  Yet, I touch myself some more, trying to numb the pain.  I stop yet again and get out of bed.  It’s dark and I hold on to the walls; i kick my freakin toe into the corner of the bed and let out a scream.  Nights are hell.

I lie down in the living room hoping to find some peace, some quiet, a quieting of my run away brain.  Nothing changes.  I think about that last guy I scammed.  What was it about him?  Why did I let my guard down?  Was I subconsciously looking for something more?  Was I looking for a greater rush?  I get up and navigate my way back to bed.

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 I lie there…the screaming in my head won’t stop!!!  “you’re such a loser Jackie”  “you’ll never amount to anything Martha!”  “Why do you hate me Dad?”  “I’m going to get back at all those guys!!  They’re all a bunch of scums, a bunch of pigs!!”

The nights are horrid!!

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One thought on “Martha…Part 7; Martha’s night terrors; by Chuck Duboff

  1. Pingback: Martha, Part 8: the bar patrons…by Chuck Duboff | Chuck & Geoff's Eclectic Blog...

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